Mind Bubbles

I was just tweeting an ex-classmate who is going through some issues with her studies. We've never really been all that close but I've always considered her a friend anyway. She was also, to me, the best singer in our batch when we were back in school (there were a lot of other girls who think they're good but none of them are even close to as good as this girl, though I know they all knew that and envied her for it). She has been ranting all over Twitter for a few days now and we struck up a small talk just now. She told me how she has no choice but to continue her form 6 and then she said something that kinda struck me.

She told me that she was envious of me. To tell you the truth, throughout secondary school, all I've always wanted was for people to be envious of me. Sounds shallow, no? When you're in a school full of girls who often compare themselves with one another whether they admit it or not, you can't help but wishes to be that girl that becomes everyone else's measure. While I personally had no one particular person who was my "measurement", I've always aimed to be the measurement. Now, finally, someone has told me that they were envious of me, it didn't make feel victorious or triumphant, instead, it got me thinking just how lucky I really was.

Most of the times here, I've always talked about how my portfolio's coming along or how school life is. I've never really dedicated a whole post about my thoughts and things like that. It all had always sounded like a report. I've drafted these posts on thoughts multiple times before in my head but I've never really actually got to type them out and publish them.

Now that I actually think about it, yeah, I have some issues (mostly internal conflicts) that I'm trying to cope with and resolve, everything is also going pretty well for me. I might even go as far as saying I have everything that a typical girl would want. Grades (I did mighty well last semester and aim for history to repeat itself this semester too), family (not always okay but hey, what's family without some drama?), love life (yes, I really have one now, believe it or not, people back home. Don't ask, because if I've not told you about it by now means I don't want to tell you about it at all. Weirdly enough for someone who owns a blog, I value my privacy very much in this particular department in my life.) and friends (I don't have many, so less friends = less drama, no? No. That's not true either but I'm good too). Those are just some of the recurring issues. There're so many other stuff that are in store for me this year.

And of course there is my future. Talking to this friend of mine got me thinking just how lucky I really am to be doing what I want to be doing. My parents, reluctant at first (naturally), are now pretty okay with what I'm doing and what I want to do. I realize that not many people who're my peers have the same support that I have. I mean, really now, at least I have the blessing to be doing something that I absolutely love rather than be stuck with what I don't. I suppose that's why my grades are pretty good, because every semester in Nilai over is every semester I am closer to studying how to make motion pictures. I know way too many people who're stuck with things they don't like and are forced to let go of their dreams while here I am (being all in-your-face about my portfolio update reporting posts).

This all sounds really cheesy but the fact that I'm given this chance, the chance to walk on this path, if I don't appreciate it, there will be an entire list of people who might actually make it their personal aim in life to kill me or something like that. lol.

I honestly, genuinely, don't wanna screw things up. Like I always tell people, expect the worst but hope for the best. Whatever it is you're doing, if it's sucking the life out of you, let it. Because when you move on to bigger and better things, you won't be such an annoying spoilt brat and actually appreciate it. I'm not trying to sound like some successful bitch who goes around telling people the tips to a better life as if I'm living it now. Believe me, I'm not. Just the past couple of weeks, I had to start doing jumping jacks every day just to boost my emotions and energy because I can be such an emotional wreck especially when I'm my biggest critic. I just completed the routine before I started typing this.

I still have many many many bad days.

The good days, however, are often exceptional.

Gloomy & Glory

So, yeah, the new semester had started already and neither Rey or Michelle are here. This is not fun. At all. All the people that I actually enjoy hanging out with have either left the college or are not always around anymore. Michelle had basically finished everything and only have one subject left this semester. Rey is also done with Nilai and is waiting to transfer to Canada. I don't see them around all the time also last semester but at least they were around and can easily found when I needed them. But now I'm truly all alone again.

I guess I can start making new friends again but the new found confidence that I had when I entered college had seemed to abandoned me for the time being and I don't know how to get it back again. It kinda sucks because I feel like I'm back to the old Cheyenne. The one who was always worried about what other people thought of me. Not that I didn't feel that way when I was a Freshie but I was new and had no expectations whatsoever since I don't know anyone there, I could be more relaxed. Now I know people and I know I don't want to lose them but that only makes me more concious of how I am because I don't want to be perceived as a loser or whatever. But from experience, I know that that thing, had always back fired on me. Not once but many, many, many times.

So, I really need to get a grip and just continue to be the person that people liked in the first place; myself. Hahaha. That really sound kinda cheesy. But the guy had been really cheesy too and it bugs me. I guess it rubs off. I don't know. As for the people that don't matter, I should REALLY learn to not give a shit about what they think of me. This thing has been slowing me down long enough and should really stop. As usual, like many things, it's easier said than done.

So, anyway, with the two of them gone, I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of time to let my head wonder. Plenty of "me" time which I really don't mind having. Last semester alone, I've had plenty of it but that was because I wanted it. It was more like my mind needed it. So, I did a lot of walking around with headphones on so that no one bothered me and stuff. I was so wrapped in my own thoughts that I didn't have time to feel lonely.

This semester though. I really don't know.

On a brighter note, I did really well last semester.Yup, got my results about a couple of weeks ago. I got an A for my Biology! HAHAAHHA. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? I know it's just elementary, introductory Biology but I really really really did not expect that. At all. I still don't know how that happen but I'm sure as hell I'm not going to ask. Hahaha.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what I have in store for me this semester. If I make any new friends. If they end up to matter to me, I might not even mention them. But we'll see.

Til then, you guys have a nice time now and free hugs for dropping by. :)

Capturing It

And so the classes starts again. There was only about a couple of weeks of break after all. So, time flies, whether you're having fun or not. For me, it was somewhat fun. Two weeks of packed friends time, many surprises (both good and bad) and well, hopefully, work as well. I don't know if I told you guys about the photography part of my portfolio but I was talking to Judy the other night and she said I hadn't told her about it. Usually, Judy knows things that are both on and off my blog (because she's Judy and I can't keep anything from her even if we're separated by the sea). I concluded (and later checked and was proven right) that I've not told you yet either.

The photography part was something I thought of when I woke up one morning and did my usual social network updates and check ups. Unlike most people my age, I actually have the habit of checking my e-mails as well, mainly because my iPod which is constantly online never fails to tell me that I have mails even if those mails are just from Twitter or Facebook telling me that I have interactions or direct messages or notifications and on rare occasions, from Tumblr, telling me I have a new follower. I opened my GMail that particular morning and there was one from YouTube giving me a list of videos that I should watch and one of the video caught my attention. One the screenshot of the video was of an old man with snowy white hair in a yellow cab showing his middle finger at the camera. How can that not be attention grabbing, no?

So, I clicked on it and watched the 58-minutes video. It was a documentary on the life of one of the most artistic photographer called William Klein. He is a fashion and street photographer, sometimes even incorporating the two into his works. The idea of capturing moments and telling stories through a single photograph blew me away and gave me the inspiration to do something like that. But of what story though? How about of the girls only girls that had ever impacted my life here in West Malaysia? I thought of the girls and three names

Worries

Things have been somewhat woozy these days. I don't really know how to describe it and trust me, you don't know how many blog post I've deleted because I just couldn't get the words right. I've decided to just let the words flow and you know, see how things goes. For someone who owns a blog and tell the almost every moment of her life in the safest place called the Internet, I really prioritize my privacy. How ironic, isn't it? I suppose that's why I barely mention any of the people that I really hang out with. Simply because I just don't know how to bring them up, really. One of them, is, uh, just a love interest and for those of you who really know me (or know him as well), I really don't like to document that nor do I like to "advertise" it. All you folks need to know is that he's a fantastic guy and that boys (and people) here don't think I'm "arrogant" or "intimidating". Many of the people that I know here are actually quite nice. In fact, I had people asking me if I was a dancer or if I "work out" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I know, it's hilarious). It's a very nice change from the always dramatic girls school.

Sure, I get a few hate here and there but I'm glad I have them. I was actually getting worried that there's something wrong with the people here because they actually like me (I still can barely believe that, trust me). These hate, I think, are healthy and basically normal for me because then I know I'm really being myself amd that there are people who can't accept me. So, I must be doing something right.

But then again, trust my logic. HAH.

I'm worried about other stuff, though, not about my love life because that's one of the right things right now.  I'm worried about, for example, that there is a chance that i'll be getting my very first non-A grade subject (or even subjects, gasp) this time around. But then again, this time around, I had to be quarantined because there was a clash in my exam schedule. American History and Biology in one day. NOT COOL, let me tell you that because you know how my Science subjects totally suck and had always been pulling down my grades so far.

By the time I was done with American History, I was already drained but no, I still had to stay for stinking Biology. Urgh. So, yeah, I barely have any hope for an A or even an A- for that one. The other subject that I'm quite worried about if Golf because now that I think about it, I'm kinda an idiot for taking another subjective subjects. In the first semester, I took Theater and Acting and of course that one, I had more pressure to do well because you know how society is, they would expect you to be a natural genius at something that you claim to do or want to do (like if I wanna be a nurse, people would expect me to be able to stitch up a wound with my eyes closed even without practice, because you know, that's what I want to do for a living. Haih, society). At least for that subject, I can aim and work on my strengths.

Golf, on the other hand, is a sport. Say whatever you want about it not being a sport. It's still not my forte. And so so subjective. I honestly don't know how I did for that one. So, yeah, it's worth being worried about. My straight A's streak is about to be broken then. Boo you, Science and Sports. Eeww.

My other worries will be, of course, related to my portfolio thing again. I keep trying to do way too many things at the same time that I don't know how to actually start. I know I keep whining about this and that I kept changing my mind on how to go around the showcasing video part: Tangled Lies short film or a mini webseries?? There're both pros and cons for both. To make a short film out of Tangled Lies is just a lot of work and when it's done, it's done. But a webseries, it's constant work, on top of other things in my life. It's going to be very tiring, Unless of course, like Wise suggested, use Drama Club and the college as my platform and audience/market respectively, which would totally work. I have to really keep reminding myself that this is not a one man show no matter how I want it to be exactly how I want it to be (one of the many things that I've discovered about myself in the past year is that I'm a bloody perfectionist. If I can complete something on my own, I would because I simply don't trust anyone else enough to do things how I want it to be done. But then, we all know what it would do to one who tries to do everything oneself.)

I suppose I should update on you guys about this another time when I actually have a permanent plan set into motion.

I hope the rest of you are doing well because I am. I think.