Drama Trauma

So, I held a meeting to discuss Drama Club details today.

And no one came.

Well, okay fine, someone did. Only one, and I know she would because she's one of the rare few who are actually responsible and would do as they promised. First of all, this is not surprising and I totally expected this. HAHA. No, I'm really not joking. The campus seemed to have died or something. I mean, sure, they still walk around, go to class and everything but no one's doing any activities anymore at night, no one's busy planning any huge events like they used to in my first semester. There're even no more people dancing in Science block when the sun comes down. I don't know if I mentioned it here before but I used to complain about how people in Nilai are so freaking obsessed with dancing (apparently only after the dance event that happened just one semester before I entered. It was hailed to be one of THE best event to ever happen in Nilai.).

So, yeah, I'm not to bumped out because if people are not passionate about it, then fine. I'm not gonna force you people. I mean, it's not like I didn't tell them that there was going to be a meeting. Last Saturday afternoon, I posted the announcement on the Facebook group and this morning, I texted everyone whose number I have to remind them. Still, no one showed up. So, you know what? Doesn't matter. I'll just do this another way then.

Unfortunately, this also means that I'll have to independently shoot a short film on my own without any platform. Which could even be faster, actually because to start this club, there are a lot of procedures to go through and honestly? It still doesn't guarantee that I'll have the opportunity to do what I want to do because the authority might not be with me.

Look, I'm writing this right now not to whine or rant, believe it or not. I admit, I am a little frustrated and somewhat lost. I feel like I've failed at what I set out to do. And yes, I'm terrified of how people would think of me when they found out I've abandoned the club but I'm really trying to use this as a training for me to learn the whole "don't care what people think of you" thing. But still, I'm scared of letting down the people who have been with me from day one. Two main people in particular.

What's the next step then? Well, yeah, I have some ideas on how to move on from here. We'll see which road we'll have to take next. Yup.

Jesus, where's the confident boost when I need it?

I hope your day was better than mine.

Gloomy & Glory

So, yeah, the new semester had started already and neither Rey or Michelle are here. This is not fun. At all. All the people that I actually enjoy hanging out with have either left the college or are not always around anymore. Michelle had basically finished everything and only have one subject left this semester. Rey is also done with Nilai and is waiting to transfer to Canada. I don't see them around all the time also last semester but at least they were around and can easily found when I needed them. But now I'm truly all alone again.

I guess I can start making new friends again but the new found confidence that I had when I entered college had seemed to abandoned me for the time being and I don't know how to get it back again. It kinda sucks because I feel like I'm back to the old Cheyenne. The one who was always worried about what other people thought of me. Not that I didn't feel that way when I was a Freshie but I was new and had no expectations whatsoever since I don't know anyone there, I could be more relaxed. Now I know people and I know I don't want to lose them but that only makes me more concious of how I am because I don't want to be perceived as a loser or whatever. But from experience, I know that that thing, had always back fired on me. Not once but many, many, many times.

So, I really need to get a grip and just continue to be the person that people liked in the first place; myself. Hahaha. That really sound kinda cheesy. But the guy had been really cheesy too and it bugs me. I guess it rubs off. I don't know. As for the people that don't matter, I should REALLY learn to not give a shit about what they think of me. This thing has been slowing me down long enough and should really stop. As usual, like many things, it's easier said than done.

So, anyway, with the two of them gone, I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of time to let my head wonder. Plenty of "me" time which I really don't mind having. Last semester alone, I've had plenty of it but that was because I wanted it. It was more like my mind needed it. So, I did a lot of walking around with headphones on so that no one bothered me and stuff. I was so wrapped in my own thoughts that I didn't have time to feel lonely.

This semester though. I really don't know.

On a brighter note, I did really well last semester.Yup, got my results about a couple of weeks ago. I got an A for my Biology! HAHAAHHA. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? I know it's just elementary, introductory Biology but I really really really did not expect that. At all. I still don't know how that happen but I'm sure as hell I'm not going to ask. Hahaha.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what I have in store for me this semester. If I make any new friends. If they end up to matter to me, I might not even mention them. But we'll see.

Til then, you guys have a nice time now and free hugs for dropping by. :)

Capturing It

And so the classes starts again. There was only about a couple of weeks of break after all. So, time flies, whether you're having fun or not. For me, it was somewhat fun. Two weeks of packed friends time, many surprises (both good and bad) and well, hopefully, work as well. I don't know if I told you guys about the photography part of my portfolio but I was talking to Judy the other night and she said I hadn't told her about it. Usually, Judy knows things that are both on and off my blog (because she's Judy and I can't keep anything from her even if we're separated by the sea). I concluded (and later checked and was proven right) that I've not told you yet either.

The photography part was something I thought of when I woke up one morning and did my usual social network updates and check ups. Unlike most people my age, I actually have the habit of checking my e-mails as well, mainly because my iPod which is constantly online never fails to tell me that I have mails even if those mails are just from Twitter or Facebook telling me that I have interactions or direct messages or notifications and on rare occasions, from Tumblr, telling me I have a new follower. I opened my GMail that particular morning and there was one from YouTube giving me a list of videos that I should watch and one of the video caught my attention. One the screenshot of the video was of an old man with snowy white hair in a yellow cab showing his middle finger at the camera. How can that not be attention grabbing, no?

So, I clicked on it and watched the 58-minutes video. It was a documentary on the life of one of the most artistic photographer called William Klein. He is a fashion and street photographer, sometimes even incorporating the two into his works. The idea of capturing moments and telling stories through a single photograph blew me away and gave me the inspiration to do something like that. But of what story though? How about of the girls only girls that had ever impacted my life here in West Malaysia? I thought of the girls and three names

Worries

Things have been somewhat woozy these days. I don't really know how to describe it and trust me, you don't know how many blog post I've deleted because I just couldn't get the words right. I've decided to just let the words flow and you know, see how things goes. For someone who owns a blog and tell the almost every moment of her life in the safest place called the Internet, I really prioritize my privacy. How ironic, isn't it? I suppose that's why I barely mention any of the people that I really hang out with. Simply because I just don't know how to bring them up, really. One of them, is, uh, just a love interest and for those of you who really know me (or know him as well), I really don't like to document that nor do I like to "advertise" it. All you folks need to know is that he's a fantastic guy and that boys (and people) here don't think I'm "arrogant" or "intimidating". Many of the people that I know here are actually quite nice. In fact, I had people asking me if I was a dancer or if I "work out" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I know, it's hilarious). It's a very nice change from the always dramatic girls school.

Sure, I get a few hate here and there but I'm glad I have them. I was actually getting worried that there's something wrong with the people here because they actually like me (I still can barely believe that, trust me). These hate, I think, are healthy and basically normal for me because then I know I'm really being myself amd that there are people who can't accept me. So, I must be doing something right.

But then again, trust my logic. HAH.

I'm worried about other stuff, though, not about my love life because that's one of the right things right now.  I'm worried about, for example, that there is a chance that i'll be getting my very first non-A grade subject (or even subjects, gasp) this time around. But then again, this time around, I had to be quarantined because there was a clash in my exam schedule. American History and Biology in one day. NOT COOL, let me tell you that because you know how my Science subjects totally suck and had always been pulling down my grades so far.

By the time I was done with American History, I was already drained but no, I still had to stay for stinking Biology. Urgh. So, yeah, I barely have any hope for an A or even an A- for that one. The other subject that I'm quite worried about if Golf because now that I think about it, I'm kinda an idiot for taking another subjective subjects. In the first semester, I took Theater and Acting and of course that one, I had more pressure to do well because you know how society is, they would expect you to be a natural genius at something that you claim to do or want to do (like if I wanna be a nurse, people would expect me to be able to stitch up a wound with my eyes closed even without practice, because you know, that's what I want to do for a living. Haih, society). At least for that subject, I can aim and work on my strengths.

Golf, on the other hand, is a sport. Say whatever you want about it not being a sport. It's still not my forte. And so so subjective. I honestly don't know how I did for that one. So, yeah, it's worth being worried about. My straight A's streak is about to be broken then. Boo you, Science and Sports. Eeww.

My other worries will be, of course, related to my portfolio thing again. I keep trying to do way too many things at the same time that I don't know how to actually start. I know I keep whining about this and that I kept changing my mind on how to go around the showcasing video part: Tangled Lies short film or a mini webseries?? There're both pros and cons for both. To make a short film out of Tangled Lies is just a lot of work and when it's done, it's done. But a webseries, it's constant work, on top of other things in my life. It's going to be very tiring, Unless of course, like Wise suggested, use Drama Club and the college as my platform and audience/market respectively, which would totally work. I have to really keep reminding myself that this is not a one man show no matter how I want it to be exactly how I want it to be (one of the many things that I've discovered about myself in the past year is that I'm a bloody perfectionist. If I can complete something on my own, I would because I simply don't trust anyone else enough to do things how I want it to be done. But then, we all know what it would do to one who tries to do everything oneself.)

I suppose I should update on you guys about this another time when I actually have a permanent plan set into motion.

I hope the rest of you are doing well because I am. I think.

Acting Plans

Lights! Cameras! Action! ... yeaaahh.... About that.

I'm really proud of myself to have been able to make that decision. Stand my ground. Firm and strong. But lately, I'm starting to really question how strong I really am to get through with this. I know, okay? I'm extremely lucky to have a pair of parents who probably don't like the idea of me choosing this crazy and obviously risky field but supports and encourage me anyway. What some of you

most probably don't know also is that I have quite a number of extremely supportive friends behind my back. These people have no idea how grateful I am. I mean, really. 

I've been scouting through quite a few colleges both in the States and Canada and as of now, I've not found any one that I can attend. It's either the Film faculty of that university is not good enough for my expectations or the college is just waaaayyy too expensive. I was at Linden American Education Fair the other day and found this awesome art school that I fell in love with. It's called Colombia College Chicago. If you Google Columbia College, there'll be a ton of different results. That's because there are a lot of colleges under the same name but apparently the one in Los Angeles and this Chicago one are under the same family/management. I absolutely love this college and even the alumnus list is impressive (President of HBO Films, Production Designer for shows like Alias, Chuck, Melrose Place, Cinematographers for films like Avatar, Dirty Dancing, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Isabella Hoffman who was in Dear John and Burlesque,  the writer of I Am Legend and Poseidon AND the FREAKING CREATOR AND ANIMATOR OF POWERPUFF GIRLS AND DEXTER. The list goes on) but the tuition is also b-e-a-u-tiful. So, now, we're (parents and I) are back to looking at the state universities in California. State universities are, of course, cheaper because it's subsidized by the government unlike private schools and Colombia Chicago is a private college.

Those of you who kept up or actually read my tweets about rich girls. Well, yeah, it was based on my experience at Linden. It was held in Hilton KL and there were a lot of rich kids there. My mum and I was probably one of the poorest. You know how these city AND rich kids are like. I know I said I'll bring the last conclusion here but I kinda don't feel like talking about it anymore and it's also because I forgot what conclusion 3 is. Heh. Bottom line is, they can be so arrogant and they think that the rest of the world exists to serve them. These younger generation, especially. Because they were all born with silver, gold, diamond spoons in their mouths, never having to know the feeling of being broke. Anyway, I got over that because it's so boring now. Lol.

Another problem about doing an art major is that many universities want you to submit what they call "samples of creative works" or rather, just portfolios. You know, like how models bring around a file of their previous gigs and shoots to show future clients what they are made of and what they can offer. This is the same concept. Some college, one of the admission requirement is a portfolio and so far, most of them want you to just submit creative works in any branch of art. From films to videos to animations to painting to sketching to sculpting and photography. NOW the problem is I REALLY HAVE TO GET A MOVE ON WITH THIS. I still don't have any "samples" ready and I only have about a year to go.

I have some stuff planned but sometimes I feel like I just don't cut out for this world. I know I have it in me, okay? It's just so hard to get it out at times. Like, for instance, I've been trying to put together a nice new proper script to start on. My friend (whom I consider my rock for my film making dreams), Wise told me that I can just make a series of "webisodes" and post them on YouTube. Great idea, I know. But to have a mini series episodes, you'll need to have one big story to start off with, no? Or at least a concept you can work with. But that's the thing! I couldn't find any! I kept coming up with these silly little stories or stories that are just way too complicated. 

Apparently, many of my stories have elements of sadism in it. It's sort of my thing. I kind of don't like happy endings because that's not always how it is in real life and plays and movies are reflections of how we live, experience, feel and act.  

Then, there was the idea of adapting Tangled Lies into a film.

Now, for those of you who don't know what Tangled Lies is; it's a play I wrote, directed and stared in for my Theater And Acting class last year about a guy whose dark past never stopped haunting him and continue to haunt him and that turned him violent in the end. I think the play managed to blow the audience away because of the acting on the night also. I'm pretty proud of Tangled Lies (despite some of the cheesy lines, yes). but if I were to film it, I'd like to cast another girl as my character, Jane because then it'll be easier for me to focus fully on the directing aspect of the production. Since I directed the play also, I realized how much easier it would be if I didn't starred in it because with me in the scenes, I can't really see the flaws of the acting or movements that needs to be worked on. But then, I can't not act because this was how we were evaluated for the class. 

I can also do the photography thing because a close friend of mine, Prashan is into photography and owns a DSLR (I still don't know what that stands for) camera. He used to go to Nilai and when he was there, he was a regular photographer for many of the events in college and he was THE videographer. So, he really know his stuff. Now that he's transferred to INTI (which is only about 10 minutes drive away from Nilai U) and super busy with his other school stuff, he passed his camera to me to use because apparently, in his own words, "You need it more than me now, with your events and stuff. You can take pictures" Yes, I suppose I am that busy in college (thus, the lack of activation here. Sorry). So, the sweetheart is teaching me how to use it and I can work with it from there, right? 

Meanwhile in college, my number one mission now is to set up the Drama Club. Yes, that's right, we don't have a drama club yet. So, I'm going to have to set it up but then, it's the paper work and possible politics that is making me a little reluctant to do it but I'll have to and I must. Besides, Drama Club! It's going to be so much fun, right? :)

The thing now is that in order to set up a new club, we'll need to get a minimum of 10 people to show the interests people may have in the club. They advised me to get 15 because then it'll be easier and naive as I may be, I do believe so too. But for now, I only have about 12 people including myself. So, only a few more to go. 

I guess that's all I have for now. I really need to stop freaking out, start pushing it and get a really really thick face to get things done. Fingers and toes crossed for that.

I hope you guys are doing well because whoever you are reading this, you should know that you deserve a cookie. Ask me for one the next time you see me. Heh.

P/S: What do you all think about my changing the URL to primadonnasheenanigans? Some of you would know the significance of Prima Donna in that. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook or comment below and let me know? :D

xo.

Schwork Frustrations

Hehe. Yup. Just as I've expected when I started this thing last April/May. M.I.A for quite some time now, haven't I? Well, I did say I'll try my hardest to keep this blog alive. Here's another thing though, folks. If you've been super duper awesome and actually read my first post, I did mention that I used to run a personal blog such as this one back when I was in high school and one of the reason I shut it down was because there was nothing interesting in my life to blog about. Well, guess what? Now, I have SO MANY things happening that I can barely keep up! There was a week in early November where I was so busy that I barely had any sleep! That's about where I stopped blogging here too because when I tell ya I have no time, I ain't joking. Boy, was that week insane.

So, anyways, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Yup, that's another year gone and two out of six semesters done for me in Nilai. So far, I'm having a pretty good time. I suppose I should fill you all in on what I was "so busy" about, eh? But it's just going to be another long post and I don't want you guys to feel so dreaded reading all these and at the same time, I have no idea how to shorten everything. But anyways, I've decided that they're